WNN Wizard's News Network
by Neemphadourah Tawncks
Summary: Welcome to WNN, we will keep you updated on everything happening in the wizarding world. We want to warn those with heart problems that the wizarding world is very strange, so don't read if you have heart problems. *Chapter Four Up*
1. Morning News Show

WNN, Wizard's News Network  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, like always. JK Rowling owns the world, like always. I am not worthy *starts doing her Wayne impersonation with the bowing and the 'I'm not worthy"-ness. *  
  
Episode One: Morning News Show  
  
Patil: Good Morning and Welcome to the WNN Morning News Show. I am Patil Parvarti, and I will be your host at Hogwarts, along with Harry Potter in Hogsmeade reporting on the coming of fresh spring food, Hermione Granger in England, by the Leaky Cauldron reporting the latest gossip, and Ron Weasley in Beauxbatons reporting on the tragedy that happened early this morning. We will begin with my news of what happened over the weekend at Hogwarts. Friday afternoon marked many happenings at Hogwarts, due to the annual staff party. Student witnesses claim that there was lots of loud rap music, high-pitched laughing and dirty joke telling about an hour after the party started. Then, after McGonagall was caught throwing her thong out the Staff Room window into the forbidden forest (which I will quickly add, caused many centaurs to actually RUN out of the Forbidden Forest in horror), The Weasley Twins decided to throw a magic stink bomb in the Staff Room. Unfortunately, what the stench bomb did is not mentionable on a news bomb, so we will leave with the fact that every teacher is still in the hospital wing. Saturday and Sunday was a major disaster due to their being no teachers to take points. We will leave that story with this; the teenage mind works in mysterious ways. By mysterious, I mean downright CRUDELY. Let's go to Harry Potter in Hogsmeade...  
  
Harry: Thank you, Patil. And before I begin, I want to say that I was in one of those situations on Saturday, and I want to say...Cho, be sure to give me a call.  
  
*Harry winks*  
  
Harry: So anyway, on to the situation at Hogsmeade, since it is just after Easter break, fresh orders of butterbeer and Bertie Bott's are being delivered after a long strike from the Union. I don't see WHY they are striking. It isn't exactly hard to move a wand to move boxes of-  
  
*Harry cuts himself off in the realization that he is already near firing*  
  
Harry: Anyway, everyone is very happy here now that people can finally have their candies and magic drinks that cause you to fart for one week straight.  
  
*Harry shakes his head depressingly*  
  
Harry: Why couldn't my parents just've been celebrities in the real world? Anyway, I am going to pass this on to Hermione Granger by the Leaky Cauldron...  
  
Hermione: Thank you Harry...Well, things haven't been good this weekend for the Leaky Cauldron. Friday afternoon, Hagrid came here and just wanted some drinks, like a normal giant with a depressing past. Unfortunately, like other giants with depressing pasts, he hasn't paid his tab since he started drinking 50 years ago. Hagrid refused to pay, due to being a mixture of drunk and hung over. Hey, that happens after you've gotten drunk everyday for 50 years. Anyway, some drunken IDIOT tried to punch Hagrid. Now, if someone is 8 or 9 times your size (yes, the drunken fool was Flitwick, who isn't one for staff parties), you don't want to be punched by them. Well, a major bar fight occurred, and it is still continuing today. Many are deeply disturbed, due to an incident that happened a few hours into the brawl. I'll simply say, the flinging of a giant man bra. I will say no more, and pass to Ron Weasley at Beauxbatons...  
  
Ron: Thank you Hermione, my sweet. Well, amidst the unspeakable acts at Hogwarts, somehow the Weasley Twins had flown over to Beauxbatons and released their cursed stink bombs in every room at Beauxbatons. Well, no one was injured or worse, but the school did blow up. My pathetic brothers are being taken away to Wizard's Juvi for a month. They've been due for it; they are just out of control! Y'Know, that would make a good wizard's show...  
  
*Ron gets a puzzling look on his face for a second*  
  
Ron: Anyway, this isn't as much of a tragedy as everyone thinks, as a matter of fact; the school is being magically rebuilt as we speak. But, I do have to hand this to Patil, because I have to go back to Hogwarts; I have an *akhem* date with Mary Sue Poger, the-  
  
*A girl as tall as Ron walks into camera view. She has long shiny blonde hair, pale porcelain skin, and is wearing two cloths that are called a tube top (barely covering her huge "bludgers") and a slutty mini skirt*  
  
Mary Sue: Come on Ronny, I want to go back to Hogwarts!  
  
Ron: Pavil, back to you...  
  
Pavil: *rolling her eyes, sighing angrily at the sluttiness that is Mary Sue* Why did I have to major in Journalism? I could have been a model, and have someone pay for impossibly big boobs, or I could have been a pop singer, or something where I was respected...anyway, that was WNN Morning News Show, and we were Patil, Harry, Hermione, and Ron. Oh, and Boobie McBigBoobs.  
  
*Patil rolls her eyes angrily*  
  
Patil: Have a nice day! 


	2. War on Voldie with Remus Lupin

WNN, Wizard's News Network  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Disclaimer: This is stupid. I don't even look like her, why would you think I was her?  
  
Episode Two: War on Voldie Starring Remus Lupin  
  
(Get it; Wolf Blitzer, Remus Lupin . I can't believe I'm writing this; I'm just in a really drunken mood, if that's the word...)  
  
Remus: Good afternoon, and welcome to my has-been show War on Voldie. That's right, for the last 15 years, we have been at war with Voldie and the Death Eaters. Because we are a news channel, and not the police, we can interview these people without getting them arrested. So, today we are going to interview Voldemort at his dark lair in Bristol. We also have three political leaders with us. We have Susan Bones of Paris, who works for the ministry of magic, and lost her parents to Voldemort himself. We also have new headmaster Seamus Finnigan, who is currently at Hogwarts interviewing a new potions teacher, since Snape was recently reappointed. And last but not least we have Peter Pettigrew, who just recently left the Dream Team Dream Eaters Country Do-Si-Do with Teletubbies club so he could lose weight and become a potions teacher slash new ministry of magic member. He is currently on the train to Hogwarts to get interviewed. So, let's begin with the other three's first impressions of Voldemort...Susan Bones?  
  
Susan: My first impression? What do you think it was? THE FRICKER KILLED MY BLOODY PARENTS!  
  
*There is loud moans coming from Voldie's screen. The screen is covered in pink hearts on steel blue wallpaper. Voldie suddenly appears on screen in a white robe. He clicks a switch and everything goes rusted black*  
  
Voldie: Of course they're bloody; I killed them. Sorry about being off- cue, I'm, um, taking yoga. It helps my, um, evilness.  
  
*Filch walks out the door behind Voldie wearing some spotted undies. Walks back in a second later with the paper*  
  
Remus: God, what did I do to deserve this? So, Seamus, what was your first impression of Voldie?  
  
Seamus: Well, I didn't have one, and then I saw his evil lair and Filch in spotted undies, and now I think he is really co-I mean, disgusting beyond belief.  
  
Remus: Am I the only sane man in the wizarding world? Peter, what was your first opinion of Mister Riddle?  
  
Peter: I though he was ho-I mean se-I mean evil. But after awhile he becomes a nice guy, ya know what I mean?  
  
Remus: I think we have a good idea...So, Voldie, what makes you so damn...  
  
Voldie: Evil? Well, it was being around evil mostly. You know, those orphanages are pretty evil...  
  
Remus: I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but evil will work...  
  
Voldie: *was ignoring him while trying on an array of pink hats* But my parents were dark wizards, and their parents were dark wizards, and it just continues like that until you have Salazar Slytherin. So, I was pretty much destined for it, even if my parents were killed by my Aunt Sazala, who actually resembles Salazar...Anyway, even if I was raised in a darn muggle orphanage, evil was in my blood.  
  
Remus: Let's move on to viewers questions. First, we have a person who is going under his username Luc_Dark_Lrd, who doesn't say where he's from, who says for Voldie-  
  
*Remus's tone suddenly goes from positive to disappointed*  
  
Remus: "Mortie honey why haven't you called?"  
  
Voldie: Luci baby! I'm so sorry, but I've been comforting poor Filch! See, Neville decided they should see other people, like people their own age, and-  
  
Seamus: Wait...Neville? MY NEVILLE?  
  
Susan: What do you mean your Neville? I'm the one dating him!  
  
*Something dawns on her*  
  
Susan: Oh that's just wrong. Excuse me while I call someone!  
  
*She walks out of view*  
  
Remus: Let's move on to the next question. This is from Ron of the Barrow and a writer for the Daily Prophet, who asks Peter-  
  
*Susan interrupts with her yelling*  
  
Susan: YOU! SEAMUS? FILCH! I SHOULD KILL YOU! BUT I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED! I MEAN, WHY ELSE COULDN'T YOU SIT FOR A WEEK!  
  
*Susan continues on*  
  
Remus: Well, he did have a normal question, but we have run out of time. I want to end today with a very important note...  
  
*Remus sighs*  
  
Remus: I insist that God takes me from this crazy world with a simple bullet in my brain. Thank you and stay tuned for The McGonagall Factor. 


	3. The McGonagall Factor

WNN, Wizard's News Network  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Disclaimer: This is stupid. I don't even look like her, why would you think I was her?  
  
Episode Three: The McGonagall Factor  
  
Announcer: Welcome to The McGonagall Factor! Our host normally is Minerva McGonagall, but she is at the hospital wing at Hogwarts. So, to take her place, Neville Longbottom...  
  
Neville: Well, I was going to, but unfortunately, I have been fired from the station due to my...*akhem*...hobbies involving hobbits.  
  
*A big oversized cane pulls him out of the chair*  
  
Announcer: To replace replacement Neville, Draco Malfoy...  
  
Draco: Welcome to the Malfoy Factor! I am Malfoy, and I will send my gang of death eaters on you if you disagree with me! Now, news bit number one...  
  
Draco: Weasel Twins A.K.A. Stink Bomb Terrorists. They set three of at the Hogwarts staff party, and flew over to Beauxbatons to do the same. I knew those Weasels were no good. Everyone has been oh-so curious about what is happening at Hogwarts. There have been rumors of the most extreme measures. For example, one is that the Creevey boys are getting female students to pose for 'centerfolds'. Sorry to say that one isn't true. Another one, is that Granger is flashing passing boys. Thank god, not true. The truth is most astounding; someone has smuggled in a TV and everyone is watching...OK, FINE, THE CREEVEY BROTHERS ARE HANDING OUT CENTERFOLDS!  
  
*Draco is panting heavily from nervousness, then quickly regains posture*  
  
Draco: Err...sorry. Anyway, news bit number two...  
  
Draco: Hogsmeade foods poisoned? That's right, after a big re-stock to make up for the 6 month strike, people are starting to question whether the snacks were poisoned by the unionmen. When did they start to question? When an elderly man took a sip of it, and passed out. He's been K.O.ed since Friday, when he took a bite out of a poisoned flavored Bertie Bott...ohkay...moving on...  
  
Draco: Did Voldemort really go after Harry Potter, or was it a little cover- up for his parents suicide? Ok, I made that one up, but think of the possibility! REALLY moving on...  
  
Draco: Lucius and Snape; bed part-AH! WHO PUT THIS IN HERE!  
  
*Giggling comes from camerawoman Hermione*  
  
Draco: GRR! Wait, what am I doing letting a buck-toothed dweeby mudblood ruin my day. Or, I wouldn't if I wasn't questioning whether that was true...  
  
*Draco glares into his reflection from the camera for a moment*  
  
Draco: Anyway, the real story. Remus Lupin just recently quit his job on "War on Voldie". His reason?  
  
*A video tape of a press meeting starts*  
  
Remus: I have come to realise that, in the wizarding world, I am the only one interested in women, aside from my good friend Trelawney. I am going to the Muggle World so that I have hopes of finding a women that will like me for more than being a werewolf.  
  
*The tape freezes for a second, then it goes back to Draco*  
  
Draco: I have no comment. Last story for today...  
  
Draco: I have a crush on Nev-HERMIONE! IF YOU CONTINUE THIS, I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED! Anyway, we are out of time, tomorrow I'll be back again...  
  
Albus: Mr Malfoy, I am afraid that all of the staff is cured...  
  
Draco: Trust me, I'll be back tomorrow *smirks evilly*. Anyway, stay tuned for Celebrity Gossip with Cho Chang.  
  
A/N: I want to use this part to comment on everyone who reviewed Episode Two...  
  
Hannah: Actually, I didn't know until I wrote it in that he was Bi. All my comedy writing is totally improved. Which explains why "The New Kid" is going nowhere .  
  
Ivory Tower: Actually, I don't watch News Channels, but it's easier to turn CNN into a wizard's news station than MSNBC ^^. Yes, I believe that Doris Crawford is still stuck under the man-bra . And Filch, Neville, and Voldie make a great...er...odd pair? 


	4. Celebrity Gossip with Cho Chang

WNN, Wizard's News Network  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Disclaimer: SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!  
  
Episode Four: Celebrity Gossip with Cho Chang.  
  
Cho Chang: Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Gossip with me, Cho Chang.  
  
Cho Chang: Our first bit of gossip today is about one named singer/songwriter Trelawney. Today she is under a tidbit of flameage, due to something said by Remus Lupin, that implied that she was a lesbo...I mean, leans over the other side of the white picket fence. In her defense, she is holding a live press meeting.  
  
*The scene goes to a press meeting room*  
  
Trelawney: Okay, I want to say I was highly offended by what Lupin had to say about my gender preference! I was moreover offended because I dated him * there is a loud coughliecough* ! And I've had a history with Hagrid. And maybe Snape. But I must say I have NEVER dated a woman! Any questions, cause I predict you people have some?  
  
Reporter 1: If you're a master of Divination, in addition to vocals, shouldn't you have sent out a warning beforehand?  
  
Trelawney: That would have seemed suspicious to do out of the blue! Besides, it would have ruined the cosmos of the earth!  
  
Reporter 2: If your straight as a rail, why were you seen at the W&WSA (Witch and Wizard Specialty Awards) with Lavendar Brown?  
  
Trelawney: ...err... no comment...  
  
*the scene goes back to Cho, who's vomiting into a mini tin garbage can*  
  
Cho: What? Oh, yea.  
  
Cho: There has been rumor going around that Draco freaked out last week in a Wal-Mart after *wipes some upchuck off the side of her mouth* he saw a bunch of Harry Potter toys. I want to confirm that this is a fact. As a matter of fact, here is one of the toys *pulls out a Harry Potter chibi-ish stuffed toy with a few extra arms and legs, and two extra heads, mildly reminisant of Fluffy* . This is the least dirty of the many.  
  
Cho: Ginny, gone Chicago? Yes, it is rumored that the actress has been recently contracted to start in the non-muggle version of "Chicago". The leading males have yet to be casted, but Hermione G. is guarunteed a spot as Velma Kelly.  
  
Cho: Remus Lupin has stirred up quite a bit of trouble today, resigning from WNN to live within the muggle world. Apparently, he thinks that most of the men here in the wizard world are homosexual. *A line up of most of the male students in drag is shown* You, can decide for yourself.  
  
Cho: Now, it is time for our weekly interview. We invite someone who has made a big impact on the wizard world within the last week, and let you, the viewers, ask them questions. Today, we have the Weasley Twins, Gred and Feo-I mean, Fred and George.  
  
Fred and George: Ello, and you were right the first time.  
  
Cho: Okay, our first call is from Pavarti of Diagon Alley, London.  
  
Parvarti: Hello! *static* I was wondering, *static* why?*static*  
  
Fred: Well, it's rather simple...  
  
George: ...we ran out of ideas after the snogging prank!  
  
Cho: THAT WAS JUST A PRANK? YOU MEAN I KISSED THAT GIRL BLAISE FOR- I mean, our next call is from Harry of Privet House Arrest.  
  
Harry: What's the formula for your stinkbombs? Vernon and Petunia and Pig are getting on my nerves.  
  
Fred: Well, it's homegrown, if you know what I mean. Plus starch, to make it permanent.  
  
Cho: Gross, we'll take one more call. Terry B. of Cauldron Col-De-Sac, you're on!  
  
Terry: Where did you buy the cast for the stinkbombs?  
  
George: Well, we make them ourselves; with plaster of paris and newspaper.  
  
Cho: Interesting...well, stay tuned for, "Afternoon Tea with Lucius and Snape"  
  
Cho: I'm Cho Chang, and would SOMEONE PLEASE HAND ME MY TIN GARBAGE CAN?  
  
A/N: I want to use this part to comment on everyone who reviewed Episode Three...  
  
Sploosh: Hey, I think that would be a good idea! You can be Mary Sue's sister! ^^;  
  
Rivan Knight: I'm glad you like my story! And I so love yours!  
  
Ivory Tower: Well, Lucius and Snape are under control. Now, should I spike their tea X3  
  
C.I.D.:I always thought I put the our in humour X'D 


End file.
